Happy Fat Tuesday!  That’s right.  I have to admit, I love the idea of a day that is dedicated wholly to eating, drinking and being merry (and I don’t mean in the Mardi Gras kind of way).  What I am really contemplating this morning is the practice of fasting.  I usually participate in Lent and I will this year.  I love any ritual in our church traditions because I strongly believe that people need to practice disciplines.  We are creatures of habit and without some practices being lived out in traditions, we quickly, and I mean really quickly forget to do it at all.  So, I’m thankful for set-aside times in our Christian calendar that remind us that we should discipline a certain area of our life to be more devoted to Christ.

On another note, corporate fasts or traditions are no excuse for not living it out everyday.  I was reading a blog this morning that sent me down this train of thought.  The blogger highlighted the scripture about fasting found in Isaiah 58 where basically tells the people (as He does many times in scripture) that their fasting means nothing, their ashes mean nothing, their ritual sacrifice means nothing to Him.  He says that what would get His attention would be if they were to

“Free those who are wrongly imprisoned;

lighten the burden of those who work for you.  

Let the oppressed go free,

and remove the chains that bind people.”

He goes on to list other things like taking care of the hungry, the homeless and the naked.  Really good stuff.  What stood out to me this morning were the words above.  He says “Free those who are wrongly imprisoned”.  Sure, the world desperately needs people more concerned with the slave trade that still occurs everyday in parts of the world, including our own “home of the free”.  Add to that the number of innocent lives wrongly imprisoned in oppressive cultures.  These are desperate needs.  But then I also think about the kinds of issues we have warring in our own hearts.  How we imprison others through our hatred, bitterness, criticism, anger...should I keep going or is it stinging yet?  It stings for me.

See, we have fooled ourselves.  Somewhere along the way we started justifying our anger by calling it “righteous indignation”.  It makes us feel more Jesus-like doesn’t it?  Don’t get me wrong, Jesus got fiery and some people need to realize that part of being like Jesus.  But some of us, some of us need to re-examine.  See, it is not enough to just work on the relationship you  have with GOD.  You can go to all the Bible studies, church services and do all the culturally-Christian approved works but if you hate your neighbor or allow the very mention of their name (or their ministry, or their political position…hmmm) to stir up anger and hate-filled criticism in your heart, then YOU are holding them captive and all your other works are fruitless.

Lord, we need boundaries.  We need a better understanding of what that anger was You were embracing that day when You turned over the tables.  Help us to stand for what’s right, to free those imprisoned by injustice, but help us to not imprison someone else in the process.  Let our fasting, our discipline, our sacrifice be sweet to Your nostrils, not repulsive.

There are sosososososo many days as a Mama that I end my day reflecting on how I missed the mark, or how I could have responded better, or was I at all present in the moments, or…the list goes on.  You’ve done it too.  It’s tough, you know.  It’s tough and then we’re tough on ourselves, aren’t we?

My husband would tell you that I take this subject to the extreme.  It’s true.  I demand more than most days are capable of and I think I need to do that, to expect more out of myself than is possible because then, maybe in reaching that high, I might hit an acceptable mark for them– for the boys.  I have a constant nagging in my soul that I’m going to have to make sure that when they look back on these years they will see and know that I was there, that we giggled together, that we created masterpieces (and saved them all, Lord help us!), that we learned a lot together.  It’s a Mama thing.  You won’t hear me say that I meet my expectations.  That I finish my to-do list, manage the household, coupon (which should be considered a part-time job!), cook a Pinterest-worthy dinner  and invest loads of quality time into my kids’ days.  Not on this blog.  I’m sorry, I don’t know how people get all that done and manage to find time to blog about tips to help other people get it done.  What??? Who are these people???

No, instead I will tell you about this.

About when they sing.  

Lex has been walking around the house this week, for days, singing “You’re altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether wonderful to meeee.”  At night when Josh and I tuck them in, we pray and then they get to choose a song.  Inevitably, every night, they choose an old jazz standard, a Disney tune, or a Beatles hit.  Let me tell ya, that makes this Mama proud.  Then they belt out every word to songs like “Yesterday” and “When You Wish Upon A Star”.  All of these times I realize, no matter what I’ve failed to teach them, one thing has stuck, permanently.  
  In this family we like to talk about the “movie soundtracks to our life”.  They are always going to know how to worship, belting it out like God and everybody want to hear it.  Because even if everybody else doesn’t want to hear it, He does.  And that’s all that matters.

There is an ongoing debate in the online world.  What does social media do for us and what is it doing to us?  I have been a big supporter of Facebook and Twitter for a long time.  It has been a major form of communication for me.  I like how I can get my messages from you easily and quickly without having to sift through the junk email.  I love how easy it is to post pictures of my family for my out-of-town relatives to see.  I love how it keeps me in touch with my church family and what they’re doing through the week.  We all feel a lot more connected this way.  It’s amazing that I can stay in touch with people across the globe and even find kindred support from someone else in my position all the way across the country (maybe we’ve never even met!) just by reading their blog.  There is no limit and I feel so empowered to be in ministry in 2012 with those kinds of resources!

There are many things I do not like, however.  I don’t like accidentally eavesdropping on conversations that passive-aggressively refer to myself, my church or friends of mine.  I don’t enjoy seeing everything people say to and about YOU!  It is none of my business after all.  I recently read a blog about all of this.  The writer said, “Disembodied communication can make being a sociopath quite easy.”  What she meant was, when you have disembodied conversations, it’s too easy to impulsively type something you would otherwise never have the guts to say to that person’s face.  Oh, we could go back and forth all day long about how you “would” say those things to that person’s face but if we’re honest here, you know you wouldn’t.  All of this, not to mention the fact that typing messages in the absence of tone and facial expression is easily misinterpreted.  When you have disembodied conversations, you forget that she is a person, with a family, with a heart, or that on facebook, he’s got about 650 friends watching you slander him.  So see, your words come out brutal and without empathy.  We see glimpses into your heart that otherwise, with more courage involved might be more thought through before the big reveal.  And, as we all have seen, even if you delete it, it was already out there and somebody already saw it.

So should we all be dishonest then?

Well, maybe it’s not dishonesty but what my husband recently referred to as “social networking modesty”.  There is a reason why we only choose to live with the people we trust most.  It would be inappropriate and cause awkward complications if you and your family moved in with the CEO of the company you work for.  There is a whole private side to your life that you would never want that person to know about, and they would probably feel the same.  Does that offend you?  Of course not.  If you were to come over to my house this evening for coffee, I wouldn’t leave my dirty clothes out in the hallway for you to see.  Do I think that you actually believe I never have dirty laundry?  No, but it would be inappropriate for me to leave it laying out for company to step over.  Does my husband step over them?  Sure.  And I step over his.  But I don’t expose others to that private side of my everyday.  Would you think that dishonest or fake of me?  No.  You would do the same.

So why then do people decide to have very private confrontations on the “walls” of social networks?  Frankly, some of the vomit I read people “commenting” is repulsive and embarrassing and it’s obvious they meant for it to be seen, which is an even deeper issue of the heart.  Especially when they do it in the name of God.  (Perhaps in addition to a “comment” and “like” option we should also have a “throw a punch” button or a “hit to the gut”.)  I recently heard a pastor say this, “Just because the expression of your views is accessible and affordable doesn’t mean it’s Biblical.”  How true!  I’m very thankful that I am able to share my views and opinions openly for those who choose to read but I feel that we are still obligated to our convictions and manners…or do any of us even know what that means anymore?

I have recently discovered a bad taste in my mouth– the source?  Mostly christian, overly critical, opinionated about everything.  The old adage comes to mind: If everything’s a protest than nothing is.  Ouch!  I have been guilty of that.  And, in a world where silence looks weak and polite looks fake– a world where strength always means louder and pushier, I find myself not wanting to play anymore.  Anyone else just feel like they need a break?  I’m weary of the fighting, sick from watching people get beat up over and over in the name of what’s right. As everyone gathers in the online world and bleeds all over each other, sometimes foolishly vulnerable and sometimes hastily uncaring, let’s not forget that these are human beings, not avatars.  These are matters of the heart, not games of who can get the most “like” points.

So, that’s my opinion for today

I don’t like the whole perfection thing.  My dislike of it, however, does not remove it from my tendency to put that pressure on myself.  Several months ago God spoke to me one word: Balance.  He hasn’t let me get away from it since.  I have been striving for balance and praying every time I pray for our church family that they would also find balance.  Without balance how will we ever make our priorities straight?  How will we ever get to small group?  Much less, lead one?  How will we ever find that quiet time?…don’t even get this Mama started on that topic.  How will we ever get everyone to sit down around the dinner table together without a fuss?

Yesterday, I did not feel balanced.  I woke up at 3 am with a migraine and everything was thrown off.  (Well, not everything.  My husband multi-tasked like you wouldn’t believe between his usual responsibilities and most of mine.  He was awesome!)  My body put a halt on my fasting plans.  My dog ended up spending most of her day crated (it was rainy).  On top of all that, life didn’t stop.  Not even for a minute.

So what is the balance I’m looking for?  I’m sure I haven’t figured it out yet.  Still, I think I am realizing that somewhere between Martha Stewart and Snooki there is a reality that I can embrace.  I don’t have to have all the dishes done everyday for my day to be a success.  Not being able to locate a clean pair of socks for my 5 year old does not make me a horrible mom.  My 2 year old will not be scarred for life from one more hour of Charlie & Lola.  And, after some adjusting to my menu, I will pick up the fast where I left off.  Yesterday I learned that sometimes balance looks like leaning on my husband to pick up my slack and not feeling guilty about it.  Or calling a friend to bring over her migraine cures and a prayer.

Today my prayer is this…still:

Lord, teach me to find that balance.  Teach my friends and family to find it too.  Help us to embrace life as You have given it to us and not take a moment for granted.  Help us to know what’s important– that being truly discipled, and laughing with our family, and talking with you all day (even if the only quiet time is in the shower), are the most important priorities we could ever establish.  Help us to give ourselves and others the measure of grace that is needed.  For how will we ever give out that much grace if we don’t allow it for ourselves?  Help us to remember that dwelling on yesterday’s shortcomings does not help us find the best of ourselves.  As always, help us to walk in the things You are revealing to us daily.  Amen.       

Last year I wrote about my reflections on pregnancy and Mary during this time of year.  You can read part 1 below.  This year I can’t help but reflect a lot on the birth, because that is where I am.  Last year many things in my life were in a preparation stage.  A waiting stage.  While, I would never try to say that God ever stops working on us and preparing us for the next thing, I think there is much to be said for when the birth starts.

Having had two children of my own, I am quite familiar with the process of birth and how each stage in the process prepares you for the next.  As we all know, birth is very different from the pregnancy.  42 weeks of just anticipation gets long, slow and hopefully is not very action-packed (as this would indicate a problem).  The anticipation is joyful, and usually exciting but prenatal excitement cannot even compare to the excitement and momentum of the birth.

When a first-time mama inquires of other mamas asking, “How will I know when it is time?”, the other mamas usually reply with something like, “Oh, you’ll know!”  While a first-time mama may falsely diagnose certain symptoms as being signs of early labor, I would guess that most veterans would not, as there is little mistaking the real deal (provided there was no inducing their first time around).  It is true.  There is no way to describe it accurately to someone.  The pain, the energy, the vibe, the intensity– there are no words for it so trying to sum up that experience and instinct into words will only mislead someone or cause them to misinterpret their own experience.

Our church is in labor now.  I personally, in my ministry, am in labor now.  While I know that just like in physical birth, there are still stages and preparations for what is coming, I feel the momentum.  I feel the pain, the energy, the vibe, the intensity.  As it was when my boys were born, it is scary.  In my soul I know I was created to do this, I know I can handle it, but anticipating the intensity of the next stage is daunting.  Sometimes it makes me doubt– not in God but in myself.  Sometimes it makes me cringe and double over in pain because it takes every ounce of faith and stamina that I have to withstand it.  Sometimes it rejuvenates me!  It empowers my dreams and with every little sign of progress I know the reward is getting closer!

I think all mothers understand, better than anyone, why God uses birth as a metaphor for so many parts of our journey.  It is quite clear to me why He had Jesus be born from a woman rather than just appear on the scene as a man.  There is no more primal, desperate, beautiful and rewarding struggle than that of a mama giving birth.  Since the Bible isn’t very graphic or descriptive of the birth of Jesus, I think that it becomes the responsibility of the mamas to tell that part of Mary’s story, to use our own descriptions of the birth experience to convey what it must have been like.

The lesson to be learned from the birthing process is to trust it.  Pain is not a negative thing in birth.  Pain is the push.  Without the pain, your muscles in a normal state do not have the strength to follow through and push the baby out.  The pain, the contraction, is what pushes your body over that line to find the superhuman strength it needs to do what it has to do.

When God is doing something great, there will be pain.  The challenge is to trust Him, to trust the process.  I won’t get on this soapbox now, and I don’t mean to offend anyone but studies show that intervention and measures of convenience in labor lead to more problems than not.  There is no easy way if you want the satisfaction of knowing that you did it.  And, sometimes the easy way ends up being the most time consuming and dangerous way.  There is really nothing like that feeling when you push through and accomplish something through God-given strength that you truly labored over.

Here is a part of my birthing journal that I recorded right after my first son Lex was born.

I was fully aware and fully present at Lex’s birth.  It was a beautiful experience, learning about how life comes into the world, “always pain before a child is born” (U2), the rebirth of my own self.  I learned so much about myself and my strength.  I have “failed” at many other things in my life.  The fight to bring Lex into the world meant everything to me.  I genuinely wanted to do it no matter what the pain, no matter what it cost me– and I did it!  I know now that when I really want something badly enough, I can do it!

Jesus, thank you for being born.  Thank you that nothing comes easy with you, because that gives everything in Your Kingdom priceless value.  Help us to remember, as we journey along this path, that You have taught us that it will be well-worth the struggle.

Two Christmases ago I had the added blessing of being pregnant over the Christmas holiday. What a thoughtful state it put me in during that time of year. Not only did I reflect as usual on the story of the birth of Jesus but I say it was an added blessing because it gave me a unique perspective, the perspective of a mother with-child. I always reflect a lot on Mary’s story during Christmas– not just the part about Jesus but the part about being a woman and being called; having greatness inside of you. What a humble servant she was. What a humble but verybrave servant.

1. a sick day…but those happen sometimes.  I always giggle at myself when God has to halt me in my tracks and makes me rest.

2. a good day to watch White Christmas…again.  Wait, that’s everyday!

3. a day to reflect on more miraculous things God is doing in our church, even the things I can’t yet understand.  He is up to something!

4. another reminder that my family is definitely my favorite gift…plus, day 1 of 11 until I see the rest of my family for Christmas.

5. restful and peaceful, thanks to my amazing husband.  Love that guy.

As a worship pastor I spend a lot of time brainstorming. Literally, I spend intentional time building a storm of ideas in my brain. I try my best to find undistracted time to stir up as many tucked-away ideas, visuals, songs, and moments that I possibly can. A lot of it is useless but the goal is that somewhere in that brainstorming session something good will come out of it. Something amazing will be realized. Josh and I have had several people call us “out there”. It has actually become a running inside joke between us. I guess we are a little “out there”. I don’t care.

I was in a conversation with some of our vC Worship team folks the other day about the possibilities of what can happen when we allow God to use us the way He wants to. It breaks my heart when I think of all the churches and ministries out there that don’t realize their fullest potential because they’re afraid to step outside of what has always been done. A lot has always been done, a lot of good but also a lot of just okay or no-longer-effective things have been done too. Sometimes in our Vertical staff meetings we can cook up some bizarre ideas. Crazy things that have never been done before. Once we sift through those ideas, ever so often it will start to become clear that we are on to something, that God is up to something that only He would think of. I love those moments. I love that our staff is crazy enough to be willing to try those ideas. Why? Why risk all our efforts for something that at first glance seems “out there”? Because I never want to stand in the way of that one key thing that opens the heart of the very ones God is trying to reach. God, if you can’t find someone who will use your idea, please use me. I’m willing.